Getting Ready for Drinks at 9:00
Posted by Jason X in Dating, Featured article, Latest, Mobile dating, PhoneShag, Seduction on April 30, 2010
So you’ve met online or otherwise and agreed to meet for drinks. Online flirting has at least reached the heavy petting stage, if not the mobile fucking stage, so you know with some
decent face-to-face chemistry and a little alcohol, things could progress quickly tonight. So let’s run through a checklist and make sure you’re ready for your big night out.
1. Grooming
Women: If there’s time and you know about the “date” ahead of time, get waxed. Everything. The Playboy, the full Brazilian, whatever it’s called. From the top of your ass crack to the bottom of your belly button. Wax off. I don’t know who told you that men like a little patch at the top, but they mislead you. We want nothing to do with pubes in this day and age. I speak for all men.
Shave armpits and legs. I’m sure you know this. No nipple hair either.
Men: As for you, it’s time you get over this homophobe fear of shaving your balls and giving that thicket above your dick a high and tight burr cut. NOBODY likes pubes. The cleaner cut you are, the more time a woman is going to spend down there. How is that gay? Women will say they don’t care, but they do. And the more guys groom themselves in the nether regions, the more it will matter to women. Don’t be late for this bus.
Don’t forget to clean behind the ears. And get rid of that ear wax. And clean your belly button. You never know where a woman’s going to stick her tongue. Yeah, clean everything.
2. Underwear
Women: certainly no granny panties and definitely not the ripped pair of pink panties you wore last time you met a guy which were torn from your body while fucking on the hood his ‘68 Ford Bronco. No panties with cum stains either. In fact, get a new pair of panties for tonight. Or no panties. Sure, by the time a guy gets face-to-face with a woman’s panties, he couldn’t care less if they were booty pop panties covered in Nazi swastikas. Not at that moment. But the next day he might. As stupid as guys are with a boner, they’re pretty astute flaccid.
Men: no tighty-whities or Star Wars boxers. Inspect the underwear and make sure there are no skid marks, either fresh or ground in. And no holes. It’s not sexy when one ball is hanging out, either pre or post coitus.
3. Outerwear
Men: If you’re a bro, I guess you’re a bro and you dress like a bro. And I guess some women like bros. But even bro lovers are annoyed with Ed Hardy and Affliction at this point. So keep it to a minimum. Your intention is to get laid. Tone down the accessories. Don’t dress up, don’t dress down. Somewhere in the middle. Don’t wear a Battlestar Galactica t-shirt or anything that indicates you’re a fan of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Keep it cool.
Women: I don’t need to tell you how to dress like a ho.
4. Protection
Men: It’s your responsibility to bring condoms. It’s also your responsibility to use those condoms.
Women: Bring condoms. Because he’ll forget. And make him wear one. He won’t on his own because he’s irresponsible.
Oh, and while on the subject of protection, make sure to bring mace. If things get out of control, you need to be able to send him home crying like a little bitch.
5. Exit strategy
Men and women: The hope is that all will go well with drinks and you’ll end up having fun dirty sex somewhere afterwards. Online it’s been great, so what could go wrong? But you meet in person sometimes and it’s a whole different ball game. So make sure you have a way out. Have a friend call you an hour in and if all is going well, you ignore the call. If things have gone awry, you take the call and it’s an emergency. Like someone kidnapped your grandmother or something. Anything to get you out of there. There are plenty of ways to get out, just have a plan ready.
Women: How to be a Successful Gold Digger
In dating, everyone has a type they’re attracted to. As a woman, you might like tall guys or guys with dark hair or even guys with no hair. Or you may just like guys with a fat wallet. If
that’s the case, here are some tips for finding that special filthy rich love of your life:
Finding a rich guy
Where do you find rich guys? There are a lot of places you can go to find rich guys, but these are not necessarily places conducive for picking them up. Here are some places they hang and some tips on how to guarantee that first connection:
- High end restaurants – make a scene, get yourself kicked out and yell, “I am not a call girl!” Rich men love upscale call girls. So dress classy, but with some good visible cleavage. Watch the rich guys come to your rescue. Pick one of your rescuers and let him believe you’re a prostitute. Then when he offers to pay, surprise him with, “No charge.” Then make him buy you expensive gifts.
- Illegal gambling events – Wherever you find illegal gambling, you’ll find rich guys. Well, except for cock fighting. Here, you’ll only find poor guys trying to score big with a cock. So how do you find out about the upscale illegal gambling events? Well, if you had a rich boyfriend, he’d be able to tell you.
- Charity events – Volunteer for a big charity event. Don’t confuse these with special interest events like for the environment or animal activism. A truly rich guy is not concerned with preserving the planet or protecting the life of inferior species. And the guys who do attend these events will not put you first on the list when it comes to spending their dough; you’re second or third and you can forget about a cool car. You might get a hybrid at best. Focus on cancer as a charity cause. Rich guys will write a check for it, but they won’t become it’s best friend. An event like this makes everyone thankful they don’t have it and how much they want to have you. Dress just a little slutty. Have some respect.
- Golf course – Don’t golf, just rent a cart and drive around pretending to be the Marshal. Wear tight white shorts and give hot rich guys a “hard time”. Say things like, “I don’t mean to be a hard ass, but can you move things along?” Follow this by bending over. Maybe hand out free beer. They’ll love you and watch how many numbers you get.
Pre-screening tips
You may run into guys other places who pretend to be rich. Make sure you can differentiate so you don’t waste time with an average slacker.
- Fingernails – Rich guys get manicures. But so do starving metro-sexual artists. So you have to be careful here. If he’s wearing manscara, turn and run.
- Car – While this is also a good indication, a poor guy can always find a way to lease a Mercedes. More importantly, look at his key chain. Rich guys always have something gold hanging from their key chain. Poor guys tend to have things like a beer bottle opener dangling from their chain.
- Occupation – Another thing guys lie about. So have some pre-canned questions that you’ve already looked up answers on for generic occupations like lawyer, stockbroker, and doctor. For example, he says he’s a doctor. Ask: “A doctor just told my brother that he has Fibromyalgia Syndrome. Should I be worried?” If he’s a real doctor, he’ll answer the question. If not, watch him squirm, then crash and burn.
- Old money vs. new money – Who cares? You’re a gold digger. Don’t get picky about the money.
How to maintain the relationship
You want to make sure it’s worth your time and his money. Here’s how to get the most buck for your bang:
- Don’t thank him for the things he buys you; reward him with sex.
- Pout when he gives you things; it’s never quite good enough. He’ll keep aiming higher.
- Tell him about all the expensive things your fictitious girlfriend gets from her rich man. He’ll have to top them.
- Make him buy you fake tits. It’ll help you seduce the next richer guy.
These are just the basics. Follow these tips and you’ll be sure to be gold digging successfully in no time.
Men: Don’t be a Pussy
Nobody likes a weak man, not even the woman trying to turn him into a pussy. She thinks she wants a pussy, turns him into a pussy, then hates him for being a pussy. Don’t let it happen
to you.
I had a friend who started dating a new girl. We were hanging out at a bar watching a basketball game. I noticed the time and asked, “Didn’t you tell your girl you’d pick her up at the airport right about now?”
He nodded, but kept watching the game.
“So why aren’t you?” I asked.
His answer: “Girlfriend training.”
Set her expectations low up front or you’ll become her little whipping boy quicker than you can say, Where’s my pink floral skirt?
Here are some do’s and don’ts to help you maintain your manliness and not become a pussy:
Don’t hold her purse in public
This is the number 1 sign that you’re a pussy and your woman has your balls locked away somewhere. Yeah, I know, she needs both hands to do something so it almost makes sense to help out. But that’s not why she needs you to hold her purse. She needs to hold her purse so that she can show the world that she owns you. So tell her to put the purse down on a table or the ground. Real men don’t hold purses.
Do hold her ass in public
When you put your arm around her, slide than hand down occasionally and show the world that you own this piece of ass.
Don’t go with her to a chick flick
Chick flicks are for chicks; let her go with her friends. There’s a trend today to make chick flicks that include main character who’s a funny asshole. This is the character who draws the men in. But it’s all fun and games until the woman changes the funny asshole into a pussy at the end. And after the movie’s over, you’ll feel exactly the same. Like a pussy. And guess what? You’ll be one.
Do take her to a horror flick
A horror flick does not transform a woman into a dick. But it does make her scream and grope at your body. I’d say this is good for both parties. Remain a man, keep it gory, and get some tail in the process.
Don’t cook her dinner
Maybe you love to cook. Fine. That doesn’t make you a pussy. Cooking for a woman does. If you love it so much, cook for your friends or your parents or your pharmacist. I know, I know… You want to impress her, make her feel romantic and special so that you can get her in the sack. You can do that with an impressive tequila body shot off her ass crack. I guarantee if you start cooking for her, she’ll start talking about what a horrible cook she is and how incredible you are and before you know it, you’ve become her own personal chef. Next, she’ll be telling you how great you clean the toilet. You getting this?
Do make her dessert
Fix her a big, sloppy hot fudge sundae and make sure you incorporate all the whipped cream, fudge and caramel topping into some sticky sexual encounter that makes her feel like a kinky little whore. She’ll thank you later and enjoy it much more than Chicken au Pistou.
Don’t cross your legs when you sit down
When you cross your legs knee over knee, you look like a woman. Not only that, but we all wonder how you can do that without becoming a human nut cracker. This is how women sit. Oh, and pussies. Just trust me on this one and don’t do it. It makes your woman feel like you both can now share clothes because you both wear skirts.
Do cross your arms when you sit down
This makes you seem emotionally closed and protected. The way man was meant to be. Women get a kick out of trying to break through that tough exterior. Let them try, but don’t let them through. It’ll make their panties wet.
Don’t ask permission
If you have to ask permission to do something, you’re already dead. You’re not even a pussy at that point. You’re 6 feet under. It’s one thing to be considerate and let her know what you’re doing. That doesn’t make you a pussy, it makes you considerate. And if that’s what you want to be, feel free. But don’t ask the question; tell her the situation.
Do ask for forgiveness
A real man is rude and insensitive, and will always fuck-up to one degree or another. And it’s okay to apologize when it happens. Don’t start babbling about how it will never happen again though. A fuck-up realigns expectations, which you need to do from time to time anyway. You can apologize for fucking up but don’t make any promises. Except for a promise that you’lltry not to fuck-up again. The intent is there but so is the loop hole.
These are just a few suggestions. If you have more, feel free to comment and add to the list…
5 Sex Toys You Can(’t) Live Without
Here they are:
This toy makes it easy to go down on a woman and never stop. Ever. Until your tongue falls off. You may look like an idiot, but you’ll lick like a marathon champion.
2. Bouncy Ball Dildo (EZ Rider Rocket)
Remember how fun it was to ride a bouncy ball when you were a kid? Well ladies, add a dildo and as an adult, you can now fuck the bouncy ball. You have to admit that being a child was actually really boring now that we know we can fuck everything we used to just play with as a kid.
Guys, ever wonder what your dick sees when it’s inside a woman’s pussy? Yeah, me neither. In fact, I had a conversation with my dick about it and he said, “You don’t want to know.” But for those with aspirations of becoming a gynecologist or spelunker, this might be the sex toy for you.
For the woman who wants to relive losing her virginity and pop a cherry again, this is the perfect sex toy. No pain, disappointment, or uncontrollable weeping, because you’re not 12-years-old this time; just sit back and enjoy the pleasure (and the sticky fake blood all over you and your partner).
Ever wonder what time it is when you’re working a butt plug in some one’s ass? It’s not like you’re going to wear a watch while you’re having sex. But you’ve got things to do besides just anal sports. Mow the lawn, pay bills, etc. You’re obviously anal retentive, so don’t get lost up some one’s ass when you’ve got other important tasks for the day. Get the Butt Plug Watch and stay on top of your shit.
Location, Location, Location
Bed is a great place for sex because you can take your time, show off all your skills, take advantage of all positions, and essentially have plenty of room to get the job done right. But it’s
not always the most exciting location for sex. Sometimes you need to make it a little more thrilling and one of the best ways to do that is to find a new location. And I’m not just talking about moving to the couch. Go out into the world.
Below are 10 suggestions to help you make sex more entertaining and possibly get you arrested:
Location #1: Car
Car sex is probably the most popular “unusual” place for sex. So take it up a notch by picking a great location to park the car. For example, park the car in a movie theater parking lot. Try to time it so that the movie lets out while car fucking is well under way. Because suddenly, there’s going to be a bunch of people walking by, taking a peek, getting their own little thrill. So don’t stop. Put on show. Check out the expressions on every one’s faces. Priceless.
Location #2: Open house
I know I said get away from the bed, but when it’s not your bed and it happens to be a bed in a house on display to the public, the thrill factor goes up considerably. I wouldn’t recommend taking the time to snuggle afterwards though, they might have close-circuit cameras in the house.
Location #3: Boss’ Desk
It’s easy to fuck someone in your own office, but much more satisfying to fuck someone in your boss’ office. Especially if you work for a douche. You’ll most likely have to do this after hours, but if you can swing it between 9 and 5, all the more thrilling. And when you have a meeting in your boss’ office the next day, knowing you soiled his desk the night before will put a big smile on your face regardless of what he or she happens to be blabbing about at the moment.
Location #4: Tree
Having sex in a tree is just fun. Try it. You might get some bark burns, but it’s worth it and will impress your partner. Watch out for squirrels though, they might mistake your balls for real nuts. I hate when that happens.
Location #5: Under a blanket
Let’s say you’re at the point in your relationship where you and your partner get together with other couples for Fondue parties and Pictionary. You may also pop in a DVD and watch a movie. Nothing unusual about grabbing a blanket to get comfy on the couch and settle in for a two hour movie. You’re both wearing sweats or shorts, so it’s very easy for the guy to get behind his girl and slip her the salami. Nobody will be the wiser.
Location #6: Dressing room
“Honey? Need a second opinion?” Enough said.
Location #7: Airplane
Becoming a member of the Mile High Club is easier when it’s a transatlantic flight vs. a domestic flight. Because at some point it’s lights out and everyone snoozes. Nobody really notices two people going into the same toilet. Those toilets are fucking small, too. So plan on standing doggie style. But you can also do the blanket trick in your seat for a handjob or a blowjob. It’s funny watching the fake sleepers watch you while it all goes down.
Location #8: Movie theater
Pick a crappy movie. One that really sucks. Not many people will be in the theater and it doesn’t bother you to miss scenes in the movie. Back row is best. And don’t forget buttered popcorn. And maybe a cock ring.
Location #9: Church
Easier to do without the congregation during regular service, but that can also be accomplished. If you’re sitting in the congregation, the most you can expect is a handjob. Use a variation on the blanket trick by using a Bible or hymn book to “barricade” the dirty deed. If you pull this off, you’ll probably impress God.
Location #10: Cemetery
This last one is a little creepy, but still thrilling. Even better if you do it on a relative’s grave. Just the thought gave me a tingle in my dingle.
Get Your Zodiac on for Spring
Spring is the cyclical rebirth of nature and your astrological sign will determine whether your own rebirth this spring involves hot new sexual adventures or another underwhelming dry spell. According to Zodiac Mythology. Well, my version anyway. I’m just trying to prepare you for the inevitable, so here’s what you can expect:
Aries
This spring, Venus is going to drive you nuts and literally try to kill you. Possibly with a golf club. Remember, it’s a time for rebirth. Get rid of that excess baggage that’s been dragging you down and get some strange. If you don’t, you’re looking a very long and arduous Spring. Expect to be dead by Summer.
Taurus
For God sake, get a new wardrobe. How long have you had that pair of Wrangler jeans? 3, 4 years? Stop being so practical and get your ass to the mall. You want to get laid this Spring, you’re going to have to brand up. Don’t argue with me, I’m a Taurus too. Which is why I’m predicting this sign will get laid over and over this Spring.
Gemini
Spring awakens in you a slow desire for romance… Squelch that desire immediately. WTF are you thinking? Why do you think your relationships suck so badly? You’re a bi-polar, mental, game-playing, financially irresponsible freak of nature. But you’re really fun in the sack, so use that to your advantage and fuck the romance.
Cancer
Fuck Cancer.
Leo
You might just be too vain, pretentious and melodramatic to get laid this Spring. This only works if you’re actually famous. If not, you’re just a Douche. But if you pretend you just got on a new reality show because you’re just that douchey, you may get a lot of pre-celeb status sex out of it. Give it a shot; what do you have to lose?
Virgo
Don’t be so fucking fussy. And don’t be picky. Go ugly early. It’s you’re only hope.
Scorpio
You’re too shy to get laid. Find a hooker.
Sagittarius
I recommend speed dating for you. With your independence and lack of emotion, you could really clean up. Don’t listen to the people who say that you have a problem because you can’t commit. I mean, you do have a problem, but it’s not going to change, so don’t fight it. Explore new ethnicities if you haven’t already. Some races are just born to be freaky in bed. Go get ‘em Magellen.
Capricorn
I was in a relationship with a Capricorn once. Let’s call her, “Hitler”. Dictatorial yet extremely inhibited. She used to inspire thoughts of suicide and mayhem in me; I also wanted to murder her–and I could have–one snap of that tiny little neck of hers… But where to put the body…? I digress. Capricorn, you’re shit out of luck.
Aquarius
Stop being a humanitarian for just one Spring. It ain’t gonna kill you and you’ll get laid a lot more. Trust me, the planet and people will still be when you come back to it. You’re witty and clever, but there’s nothing worse than a sarcastic do-gooder. Drop the goodwill and just be an ass. It’ll work for you. Trust me on this.
Pisces
You’re a couple of fish; oversensitive and self-pitying. I got nothin’.
5 Effective Phrases to Use in Your Adult Personal Ads
Posted by Jason X in Dating, Featured article, Latest, Mobile dating, PhoneShag on March 8, 2010
Online adult dating has now become one of the primary methods of hooking up. And one of the critical components of online dating success is having an effective personal ad that will
draw people in to make that connection. Below are some sample phrases that will help make your personal ads stand out so that you get more attention and ultimately, more hook-ups. Sure, there are phrases like “No strings attached” and “Feel free to ask me anything” that people tout as being effective because of upfront honesty and bluntness, but they certainly won’t make you stand out.
1. Will trade sex for beer
This immediately lets people know that you’re a whore, regardless of gender. Some people only fuck after they’ve had a few beers. But not you. You’ll fuck to get beer, then fuck again after you’ve tossed back a few. And you’re not exactly prostituting yourself, because you’re not exchanging sex for money, only beer. I’m no lawyer, but if I were, I’d advise you that no law has been broken under these circumstances.
The reason this is such an effective phrase is because nobody really wants to work that hard to get laid. Beer = sex. That’s a pretty straight forward calculation. You’ll be amazed by the attention you get from this simple but powerful phrase.
2. Low self-esteem
This works best for women. Men are always looking for women with low self-esteem because sex tends to promote self worth in that kind of woman, as perverse as that sounds, so it’s easier to get them into bed. You may even want to throw in bi-polar, manic depressive, and/or suicidal. Whether true or myth, psychotic women are the best in bed. You can say you’re great in bed all you want, but there’s no better way to convince a guy of it than making him believe you’re a psychotic bitch. Guys are drawn to psychotic bitches like bugs to a black light because even though they know they’re walking into a death trap, they know it’s going to be absolutely electrifying.
3. Into head games
Anyone who goes out of their way to say that they’re not into head games is probably into head games. So if you go out of your way to say that you are into head games, you’re probably not. Would a serial killer say he was into murder? Reverse psychology. Confuse people, draw them in, then hook them. Someone may ask, What kind of head games are you into? That’s a perfect time to fuck with that person’s head just to prove the point that you’re not really into head games. The more you fuck with people’s heads, the more they’ll realize you’re just fucking with them about being into head games. Either that, or you’ll get some real head cases trying to go out with you. Regardless, you’ll get laid.
4. I have a talking hot dog
I’m not exactly sure what this even means, but it’s going to get you attention, especially for the guys. I guarantee women are going to want to see your talking hot dog as soon as they hear you have one. In the end, your hot dog isn’t going to say jack shit. But it’s a pretty damn effective way of promoting your beef.
5. The only problem I have with gambling is that I can’t gamble enough
This statement lets everyone know that you’re a risk taker. You like living on the edge. So much so, you might have loan sharks hunting your ass down to break a leg or two. The point is, the phrase conveys the fact that you live an exciting lifestyle without having to say it. You want people to know you have vices, just nothing too detrimental. Well, unless those loan sharks catch up to you. But that’s the thrill of dating you. Danger. Excitement. Intrigue. Sure, maybe you’re in more debt than the average person, but you’re not boring. And it’s a much better vice than say, heroin for example. See how good you look now?
These are just a few examples of some effective phrases that will get you the attention you deserve in the world of online dating. Being bold doesn’t translate to being a douche. Telling people you’re “Cocky” or a “Bad boy” or “I’m amazing” just doesn’t get you anywhere in today’s online dating market. Be creative. Lead them to the conclusion you want them to arrive at, but don’t smother them with it.
5 Rules for Maintaining a “Friends with Benefits” Relationship
Posted by Jason X in Dating, Featured article, Latest, PhoneShag on February 26, 2010
I’m not going to waste time restating all the obvious rules for maintaining a “friends with benefits” relationship, like No spending the night or Use condoms. I’m sure everyone is up-to-speed on the basics. What I’m going to give you are 5 rules that will guarantee your FWB status won’t accidentally slip into a bona-fide relationship.
1. No first aid
If your fuck buddy slices her hand by accident while cutting limes for tequila shots, do not assist her in stopping the bleeding. That would imply you give a shit. The next thing you know, she’s gonna expect flowers if she goes to the hospital or bail-out money if she gets arrested. Give her the impression you’d let her bleed to death right there on the kitchen floor.
Let’s say it’s something more serious, like the guy you’re fucking has a heart attack right at the height of orgasm. DO NOT administer CPR. Saving his life is like saying I love you. Now you’re stuck with this guy’s undying gratitude. So instead, drag his body out of your place and out to the street. You don’t need that kind of trouble. And, if for some reason he’s still alive, he’ll know without a doubt that your interest in him is strictly sexual.
2. Let Your Standards Slip
Make sure this is someone you would NOT want be seen with and therefore someone you would never get into a relationship with. Having said that, DO NOT let your standards slip too far. I know what you’re thinking… Your fuck buddy comes over late at night, leaves in the wee hours of the morning, so who gives a shit if they’re too far outside your already loose standards? Well my friend, that shit has a way of coming out sooner or later. Remember when Kobe was accused of raping Katelyn Faber? Which do you think was more embarrassing for him? The fact that he was accused of rape or that the hotel employee he fucked looked like an ugly white trash crack whore? I’d say the latter. The rape charge didn’t stick, but she’ll always be hideous.
Always ask yourself what your friends would think. Again, the idea is to loosen your standards a little, but know your boundaries and stick to them. What’s your weight limit? Double hundy? Would you fuck a GILF? Would you fuck a midget? Personally, I’d be proud to say I had a midget fuck buddy. Sorry, I believe the politically correct term for midget is Oompa Loompa. The point is, loosen it up, but don’t loosen too much because if it gets out (and it will), you won’t live it down.
3. Keep it Kinky
Do every dirty, kinky, humiliating sexual act you can think of. It constantly reminds the person that he/she is only a sex object in your mind. Nothing like pissing in someone’s mouth to certify nobody’s bringing this piece of human garbage home to mom and pop. Tie them up, whip their ass, slap their face, whatever it takes to make them feel worthless. Again, personally, I’d still introduce her to my parents because these are just staples for me. But I wouldn’t tell her that. And you shouldn’t either.
4. Use Wrong Names
Always fuck up the name. Her name is Shannon, so when you’re fucking the shit out of her, call her Ashley or Katie or Steve. Whatever isn’t her name. Especially if you catch her gazing up at you will you’re pounding away. The perfect thing to bring her back to reality is to mistake her for someone else. Get those nasty little emotional thoughts right the fuck out of her head.
It’s very hard for a woman to remain completely emotionless in an FWB relationship. So when a girl calls a guy the wrong name, it reassures him that her emotions are somewhere else. Yeah, she feels emotion, but not for you, you piece of shit. Keep it real for both of you.
5. Act Like a Stalker
Not toward your FWB, of course, but instead give the impression you’re stalking an old boyfriend or girlfriend. Let them see you on the computer checking his or her Facebook account. Make statements like She said I smothered her. Can you really love someone too much? and If I can’t have her, nobody can. Make it abundantly clear, this is what you can expect when you get in a real relationship with me.
There’s always the danger of letting an FWB relationship ease into something more than just fucking. It happens often. But if you follow these 5 simple rules, you will never have to worry about this danger becoming a reality.
Sexting Etiquette
Posted by Jason X in Dating, Erotica, Featured article, Latest, Mobile dating, PhoneShag, Seduction on February 16, 2010
The telephone was an incredible invention. But once we got over how revolutionary it was, we also realized what an
incredible annoyance it was. Because it forced us to communicate with friends and family whether we wanted to or not. Which is why text messaging has literally become our telecommunications savior.
We can ask or answer a question without being forced into an entire conversation. We can have quick, to-the-point conversations, and even multiple conversations with multiple people at once.
And now Phone sex also has its abbreviated and more convenient version delivered in the form of “sexting”.
“Sexting Etiquette” is sort of an oxymoron, but there are some do’s and don’ts to consider. Below is my list:
Do:
Sext drunk - People always say, don’t text drunk. But then TFLN would be lame. Besides, this is sexting. That’s like saying, don’t get drunk and have sex. That’s how we lose inhibitions and hook it up. We come up with our best material when we’re drunk off our asses.
Spell out dirty words – Spell out “cock” and “pussy”. It just doesn’t have the same effect abbreviated. Once I’ve 810 ur puC Im gonna 5FS d@ shit. No, not sexy and sometimes you spend more time trying to decipher the sext than actually getting off on it. And for the love of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, lose the ” * ” in the dirty words. This isn’t Twitter. It’s your own private phone. If you type ” I want to f*ck you”, you might as well type, “I want to make love to you” which is something they say on The 700 Club. If you’re going to be dirty, be fucking dirty.
Be cautious – And consider what you have to lose if your sexting gets out. Remember Tiger? This shit has a way of making itself public. We don’t all have as much to lose as Tiger, but it’s still something to think about. I could tell you to wait until you trust the person, but you really can’t trust anyone. And sexting strangers is half the fun. Just be aware of what you’re doing and the risks associated with it. For example, ladies: no matter how much a man promises, your dirty pic will be sent to at least a half dozen dudes.
Don’t:
Sext Drunk – Yeah, I know I also put it on my “Do” list. It’s one of those things that can be both good and bad. For example, have you ever been drunk, started sexting one person and finished up sexting someone completely different? Hey, sometimes that works. Most times, the second person knows you fucked up. I’m just saying, the drunker you are, the more risk you run.
Be creepy – Make sure texting has mutually transitioned to sexting. Guys often fuck up this transition and jump the gun too early. If you tell her she’s cute and she likes it, that doesn’t mean she’s ready to hear how badly you want to throat fuck her. Even when you do successfully transition to dirty talk, that doesn’t mean she wants a cock pic. Sexting is sexy, but a cock pic can be a buzz kill for a lot of women. She’ll ask for one if she wants one.
Sext and drive – Even worse if you’re driving naked. Texting while driving is illegal in California; sexting is probably a felony. And it really sucks to crash your car with a boner or sopping wet panties.
Use retarted acronyms and smiley faces – You know, OMG or LOL. This is sex, not junior high. So if you have to use acronyms, use something dirty like SMG (Stick My Gash) or LML (Lick My Lollipop). And no smileys like : ) or ; ). If not a pic ladies, at least show us your tits with a (.)(.). If you’re not ready for a real cock pic, we’ll show you C==8 or 8==D~~
Sexting is great when you move past initial flirting because it helps solidify, for both of you, where this is all headed. I’ll tell you right now though, it’s not something you can sustain more than a couple of times without getting to the good stuff. Remember, sexting is just foreplay. Get to the main event soon after or you’ll lose the opportunity.
Dishonesty is the Best Policy
You’re going out with someone for the first time and you want to make a really good impression, so what do you do? There are things you want to do, things you could do, but what should you do?
Lie like a motherfucker.
Most dating and relationship sites will tell you to be honest and upfront on your first date. But this blog isn’t about developing strong, long-lasting relationships. It’s about getting laid. So fuck their advice and listen to me…
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be yourself on a date. I’m saying that you should be yourself pretending to be someone else on a date. That way, you’re being honest about being yourself without actually being yourself. Is this making any sense?
I’m advocating dishonesty for a few reasons.
Your personal life is uninteresting
We all think we have great stories, but we don’t. Unless it’s a story your friends always make you repeat to newcomers, it may just be a story that you like repeating that your friends are all tired of hearing–and that your date will quickly become tired of hearing. Think about the stories you love to hear, not the ones you love to tell. Steal from your friends. You know how people really react to those stories, including your own reaction. Spice up the conversation with other people’s experience.
Your professional life is uninteresting
I work in technology and just managed an international system rollout to 20 countries. To me, that sounds pretty impressive. But I tell a woman and her eyes glaze over quicker than beer turns to piss. It’s the side things that I don’t really do that spark attention. Like the independent film I just got financed which starts shooting in March. Or getting that stunt cock gig with Vivid entertainment. The stuff that will ultimately get me out of this boring technology career. The stuff that gets them wet, not sleepy.
What they want to hear may not be what you have to say
He/she works with Adopt a Kitty Foundation and you hunt Feral cats for sport. He/she had an uncle die of lung cancer caused by second hand smoke and you suck down a pack a day. He/she loves kids and you’d like to end humanity by enforcing mandatory birth control for every living, breathing human being on this planet. Some opinions are better left unsaid or altered when your goal is to get laid.
Lying is fun
You may find yourself stuck with someone who isn’t interesting but you’d still fuck. So to keep things interesting, lying can be a great form of entertainment for yourself. You’ve just got to get through a few drinks and hit that shit. Keep yourself motivated. Lie your ass off for the fun of it.
Yeah, I know that Dr. Phil and Oprah and your mother all told you that honesty is the best policy, but for whom? Not for you. For the person you’re being honest with. If you’re not looking for commitment, then who cares? Do what’s best for you. If it develops into a relationship, at that point you can come clean and both have a good laugh. If he/she doesn’t think it’s funny, then you’re committing to the wrong person anyway.
Give it a try. And let me know how it goes.
Speak Your Mind…